Second doubts

You know what couples face today in this cold and cruel world?
Second doubts...What if?
This happens to me... i have been through heartbreaks , been through parts of life where i screw up other peoples happy life... Been there when someone pick me up and sworn they would love me forever but they throw me away after everything is over...

i have been through situations that made me change my personality...
Foolish and naive thinking that he would come back to me when i change myself for him. but nope =) they all walk away without a good reason...
throughout the years of *Hitting my head on the wall* something i use to describe love , i just turn into someone that would be with guys that love me in my mind being loved is always better than loving someone...
but did it make me anywhere near or close to happy?No honestly , i almost lose all my friends...in that point of life , i feel hopeless and i didn't really believe that true love exist anymore... i just take love as a gamble and a game.You win you have it , you lose then you leave.

Until i really saw this specific guy that made me have this weird feeling i have never had for a very long long time..
Its a kind of spark you feel when you look at him... you feel like WOW who is this guy?Who is he and i am dying to know him =) Funny heh yeah that is the way i felt when i first saw him this electroshock feeling...
i have felt it once when i was in form3 but because of my own foolishness i lost it.. then after that i have never ever felt sparks when i see other guys... until i met this one guy in my 16birthday party... he was on the other side of the pool and i immediately spotted him and the first time when i look at him i get this spark again... the kind of feeling , so tempted to go near him and look at him in the eyes...
but he didn't notice me...
as time pass i get to know him better... we were introduced to each other.. well he wasn't just introduced to me but i just find him intriguing.. i text him everyday.
i don't mind admitting that i text him ... because i like him! at a point i felt like giving up because he seemed so uninterested.. and my friend told me that he didn't like me...
i was really sad i couldn't focus in my own life i couldn't move on... i feel so down and sad... i didn't know what to do ..
but then my best friend came to me and say i think he likes you...
and i figure out that so what if he don't like me? Doesn't mean i have to give up right? if you can't get someone out of your mind maybe he is meant to be there...
so i was very sure about my decision i just continued to love him in silence...
and 2 days before his birthday i threw him a surprise party ...and we got together=) that was the happiest day of my life! Seriously i feel blessed having him...

I have to admit that
He is not a very good when it comes to sweet talking
He is not very good at making a girl happy
He is dull
but one thing for sure... he knows how to make me smile , laugh , cry , go insane and just love him like mad! Its like a never ending roller coaster ride!
We've been so high up and we've been so low down , we've been through dirt on our face , said words we never imagine we would say , hurt each others feeling , make each other feel sad...
And i did the biggest mistake was to doubt his love to me...
That stupid fear of losing him caused me to have doubts on him
because of doubting him i have pushed him to the edge...
i'm sorry baby .... i don't know what to say anymore
i love you a lot but sometimes you just can't blame me if i have doubts... because i just don't have self confidence... i look like i have a lot of self confidence but the ugly truth is that i don't have... i am afraid that you will leave me that's why every time i freak out i would want you to reassure me... because of my own problem i have cause you to be unhappy... i'm sorry Jonathan Lai Jen Vin


i hope that i am not a burden to you

how i wish every moment with you would freeze and stop...because time seems to pass so fast when i am with you... i will appreciate you more...knowing that i will only live once in this life and there is only one of you in this world... i will...



-signing out-
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